Already Taken
by Dobby's Socks
Summary: An alien Queen comes to Earth seeking a mate, much to the alarm of humanity. But when the Doctor attempts to intercede, he's chosen instead! Unfortunately for the aliens, River Song is none too pleased. Set between "The Power of Three" and "The Angels Take Manhattan", also features Jack and Kate Stewart, rated for innuendo and some language COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**So yeah, felt like doing a random-adventure type thing, I haven't done much of that! Gotta move out of the comfort zone now and then, though. And since it's Valentine's Day (and no doubt weekend), I thought I'd do a sort-of romance-y type thing? Yeah, maybe not, the plot of this is rather loosely inspired by an episode of Superman: the Animated Series called "Warrior Queen". You really don't need to have seen it at all to understand this, just thought I'd mention it for anyone who has. At any rate, keep in mind that this (while not strictly canon) takes place somewhere between "The Power of Three" and "The Angels Take Manhattan" and you should be good. Enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Chapter One**

"Inhabitants of Sol 3, the terrestrial planet you call the Earth, do not be alarmed. This is the command ship of Her Imperial Majesty Mexianna XIV. Your airspace is required while your worthy candidates are selected. Remain calm, and the process will be completed peacefully," a cool, feminine voice flooded Earth's airwaves as a large, circular ship in steel gray entered the atmosphere.

That was the only warning humanity received before it happened: all around the world celebrities, musicians, lawyers, officers, philosophers, engineers, medical professionals, bluebloods, professors, and nearly everything in between disappeared from their offices and homes. All were male, and all were single.

OoO

"Doctor?" Amy Pond called from her position standing before the monitor, not taking her eyes from the screen.

"Hm?" Came the noncommittal hum from below the platform, letting her know he was only giving a precursory interest. No doubt his sleeves were rolled up, jacket discarded somewhere, and goggles set over his eyes as he reworked the wiring for the umpteenth time in his swing. That he always seemed to do it while they were in flight in the Vortex had never concerned her for some reason.

Rory, of course, stopped throwing darts immediately and came over to see what had caught her interest. His eyes widened after a moment of watching with her. "That's…probably not good."

"What's not good?" A clatter was heard from beneath them as the Time Lord hurriedly disengaged himself from tinkering, naturally having caught those words.

"I was watching Earth news, you know, just making sure the planet's safe for Brian," Amy half-joked. Defending the Earth was a fulltime commitment, not to mention the rest of the universe. "Then this happened."

The Doctor slipped in between them, bracing his hands on their shoulders as he looked for himself. "'Alien Ship Sighted, Number of Hostages Climbs'?"

"Apparently," Amy confirmed. "The ship's parked over London right now."

"Seriously?" He seemed incredulously irritated, and the grip on her shoulder tightened before he let both of them go to bury his hands in already mused hair as he dropped back into the pilot's chair. "Oh, and I was doing so well, too! There goes the nice track record I had building, it's this old game again—"

"What are you talking about?" Rory interrupted, clearly bewildered as she that annoyance seemed to be their friend's primary emotion as opposed to, say, alarm.

"Invasions of 21st century Earth, particularly London," he answered, crossing one leg over the other as he regarded them with arms folded. "Giant ship overhead, people panicking in the streets, that sort of thing. Thought I'd gotten it under control after the Atraxi. But this is just so…" He struggled to express himself for a minute, finally grimacing as he said, "the 2000s."

"Raggedy Man," Amy stated flatly, hands going sternly to her hips. "Less complaining about the invasion, more solving it."

He sprung from the chair almost instantly at those words, the usual enthusiasm at the prospect of adventure back again. "Right you are, Pond! Now then, the ship itself," he shooed them out of the way to work some controls, pulling up an image of the alien vessel on the monitor. "That kind of exterior design you typically see in the fourth quadrant, long way off. Ah, but the detail! The way the sections have been fitted together, the interlocking patterns and that careful, almost artistic touch." The Ponds saw none of that; to them, it was a spaceship hovering over London. Their alien friend didn't make them guess, fortunately, instead simply telling them, "that is the command ship of the Artemian Empire, used by the Queen herself."

"Ooh, so it really is the mother ship then, yeah?" Amy interjected, feeling a certain satisfaction from hearing that the Queen of this place got her own spaceship. So long as she wasn't using said spaceship to hurt anyone, that was alright in her book.

The Doctor seemed amused by her question, however, as he replied, "In Artemin, every ship is a mother ship, Amy. The craftsmen and shipbuilders see their works as extensions of themselves, something they have created and given expression to, almost like new life."

"Any father ships?" Rory asked with a grin, but it faded when the Time Lord shook his head.

"I don't think so, Rory, not with no men."

"What?" The Ponds both squawked in bafflement.

"It's a complete matriarchy, no men allowed. Everything I know is secondhand—I'm telling you, the Corsair lorded it over me so much for decades after she got back from visiting the place, I almost considered—anyway," he waved his hands as if to brush away that topic entirely as he moved around to another side of the console, though Amy and Rory exchanged slightly amused, slightly weirded out looks. "I think one of the Ancient Greeks must have come into contact with them somehow, given the similarly named goddess Artemis."

The Doctor had stopped at the navigation panel and had his fingers hovering over the typewriter keys when Rory got the nerve to inquire, "But Doctor, if they don't have any men- I mean, do they still need to, er, you know—"

"Yes, they do, Mr. Pond, and that's why it's possibly rather not good they're here. We need to get down there and see if I'm right." With that, the alien began typing away, muttering once under his breath, "But why did they pick London to set up camp?"

He pulled a lever to start takeoff, however, and so the Ponds simply clung to the railing and waited for them to arrive.

OoO

Kate Stewart did not have to wonder why London, she had been told. As soon as the alien ship had appeared in the skies the world leaders had sprung into action. Although UNIT had been broken down into state-run organizations, the branch in Geneva was still considered the unofficial head, and so the Director there had attempted to make first contact.

Unsettlingly, he had been rebuffed, apparently as he was considered an unfit representative of the planet. They agreed to talks only if a spokes_woman_ was sent.

So Kate had volunteered, being the most experienced female Director of any UNIT branch, admittedly one of few but there it was. The foreign ship had relocated accordingly and a shuttle had been brought down for her to board.

"Why was I not transported like the others?" She asked the woman—she felt the humanoid being could be called a woman—who showed her into the shuttle.

The other female looked surprised. "You are a citizen of this planet, are you not?"

"Yes, but so were they," she informed her.

The female looked unfazed. "They are the males of your species."

"Yes, I'd noticed," she replied dryly, and decided to sit back and save her questions for whoever she was to be speaking with.

Once docked, this turned out to be another woman, who looked a bit older than the first one. They and what she guessed were the guards or crew of the command ship—all female—wore what she could best describe as plain white tunics that had halter tops and were rather open in the back. She glimpsed dark, formfitting shorts underneath and sandals that looked vaguely Roman in style strapped up to almost the knee. Their skin had a pinker hue than that of humans and their nails were rather long; not like claws, but they did not seem as easily breakable as fake nails. Every one of them had been given buzz cuts, or their hair simply did not grow any longer.

"Greetings, I am Erinnae, Chief Advisor to Her Imperial Majesty. I welcome you, Director Katestewart."

Kate blinked. "No, sorry, it's Kate Stewart," she enunciated clearly, for what the woman had pronounced sounded something like kay-tes-too-art. Best to start off on the right foot at least.

"I do not understand, why is it separated?"

"Because Stewart is my last name," she informed her.

"Last name?" Several of the women looked curious about this obviously new concept.

"Humans inherit their last names from their parents—typically their fathers," she explained, but when all the women frowned she added, "it's to let others know which family you're descended from."

"I'm afraid we do not have this custom," Chief Advisor Erinnae replied diplomatically enough.

"You may call me Kate, if that's preferable," she offered, not wanting to have mucked things up so soon, and she was glad when the tension seemed to dissipate slightly.

"Very well," the Chief Advisor agreed. "Now, Director Kate, you come here on behalf of your planet with a message."

"Yes," she nodded, steeling herself, "I must quite plainly demand the return of the men your ship has transported up here. It was in gross violation of their rights and—"

"They are being returned as we speak," Erinnae interrupted.

"I'm sorry?" Kate was more than a bit thrown. It was typically more of a struggle than this.

"Yes, as Her Imperial Majesty reviews the candidates and narrows the selection down, those deemed unworthy are returned to their retainers."

"To their friends and family," Kate could not help correcting. It was perhaps a good thing they had simply not agreed to speak with Geneva's Director; she could not imagine any man being able to take these rather unabashed insults, not that she'd expect them to.

Erinnae did not answer that, instead stating as a door to their left slid open, "As you can see, the latest batch of rejections, clearly unharmed."

A line of men was marched past, all shirtless. Some looked frightened, others blushed red in embarrassment at the sight of her and crossed their arms over their chests, while still others strode by utterly confident in their physique. She even got more than a couple flirty winks sent her way. Kate tried not to roll her eyes.

The female guards did not bother hiding their disdain, however, and the men were all quickly led away, most likely to wherever the teleport was on the ship. She turned back to the Chief Advisor once they had all gone. "What exactly is Her Imperial Majesty reviewing them for?"

Erinnae considered her for a moment, then without a word slipped into the room the men had all just left. It was a few minutes before she returned, announcing, "Her Imperial Majesty bids you enter."

Kate followed her back in with a growing trepidation yet also curiosity. There was a marked difference between this room and the last. While the receiving hall had not been cold, entirely, this equivalent of a ship's throne room was clearly designed to show of the splendor of the alien monarch. Plus carpeting in a deep red tried to swallow Kate's flats, exquisite tapestries hung on the walls, and sat on the luxurious, high-backed, jewel-encrusted silver throne was the Queen.

A thin circlet of jewels embedded in silver rested atop her hair, which had been allowed to freely grow in fire-red waves down to at least her waist. She was younger than Erinnae, but definitely a mature woman, fully developed curves and all. Her tunic was embroidered with fancy patterns unlike the plain ones worn by her subjects, and an orb of silver rested in one palm while the sharp-nailed fingers of her other hand curled around a silver scepter with a ruby at the tip.

"Queen Mexianna, I present the Earth representative, Director Kate," Chief Advisor Erinnae bowed low as she spoke. The Queen's dark eyes lifted to regard her, just as the single bare-chested man still standing before the throne turned to look as well.

"Looks like my rescue's here," Captain Jack Harkness quipped with a grin, and Kate tried not to groan. Of course the immortal man was mixed up in this, of course he was.

"Silence, male!" Erinnae rebuked sharply, but the Queen raised a hand to signal her advisor to stop.

"Director Kate, I and my Sisterhood are pleased to meet you." Her voice was softer than Erinnae's, yet somehow held a certain power, a calm assurance that she was in charge and would have her way without fuss.

"Your Majesty," Kate bowed dutifully, then straightened up. "I'm afraid I and my colleagues are a bit at a loss for why you've chosen to come here. Your Chief Advisor says you're reviewing candidates, but I've yet to learn what for."

"Come on, Kate, I'm sure you can guess," Jack teased, though there was a grimness to his humor. "They're humanoid, but they're pretty much short on guys. That's kind of a problem if you want a long-term population."

Kate's mouth dropped open in shock. "You mean this is some kind of search for a- a mate?" It sounded absurd!

The Queen thought so too, apparently, for she laughed. "Not as you think, Director Kate. The practice of mating is unheard of on Artemin. But as the male Jack has indicated, children are just as much a necessity, and I require an heir."

"And so you abduct men from other planets for that purpose?"

"They are males," was the Queen's answer, as if that excused everything.

"Yeah, I think I'm definitely siding with Kate on this one," Jack muttered, but quieted under a glower from Erinnae.

"Why do you have Jack here specifically?" She decided to ask, a bit worried for the man. Sure, he was an incorrigible flirt and the leader of Torchwood, which was far more militaristic than she cared for, but she respected him and didn't like what the Queen and her Sisterhood seemed to have in mind.

"There are still others to be reviewed, but the male Jack is so far the best candidate," the Queen replied, eyes trailing up and down the Captain's form as if considering an item for sale. "Physically fit, intelligent, advanced in certain aspects from the other males of this planet." She wondered if Jack had mentioned he was actually from the 51st century.

"I do not like the male's speech," Erinnae put in sullenly.

"I do not require the male to talk," the Queen returned with a tilt of her head. "I only require his genetic material to produce an heir."

"Look, as I was saying before, he and all the others you've brought up here have rights as humans," Kate interjected, having heard enough of this. "We're all equal, and so I have to object to you simply treating them as something to be taken on your say-so."

The Queen and Chief and Advisor looked up at her in surprise and no small amount of displeasure, but a wave of relief hit her as a noise cut off any reply. A very particular noise.

_Vroop Vroop_

The TARDIS' engines wheezed and groaned as the blue box phased into being slightly to her right. The doors were pulled inward as the opened and a now-familiar and very welcome man emerged, throwing his arms out to encompass the space that greeted him.

"See, Ponds? The throne room of Her Imperial Majesty, Queen Mexianna the Thirteenth- no, no, hang on, Fourteenth. It's very easy to mix up."

"Can't imagine why," Rory Williams remarked dryly as he stuck his head out. His wife, Amy, walked right out into the open after the Time Lord, tugging the nurse along by the hand.

"Yeah, you'd think they'd get tired of the name after a while. Kate!" The redhead had spotted her and grinned in delight.

The Doctor turned as well, a wide smile breaking out over his face as Rory waved to her in greeting. "Kate Stewart! Good to see you, seems the situation's already being handled, well done," her father's friend stated warmly.

"Good to see you as well, Doctor," she returned.

"So is nobody allowed to say hello to _me_, now?" Jack asked loudly, alerting the three new arrivals to his presence.

"Jack!" The Doctor exclaimed almost joyfully, leaping forward and kissing the air on either side of the immortal man's face, taking him completely by surprise to Kate's amusement. The Time Lord then began pumping the other man's hand up and down. "Captain Jack, how is everything? Like the new face? Amy, Rory, this is Jack- careful, he flirts." This aside was still added with a smile.

"Noted," Rory nodded.

Amy rolled her eyes at her husband. "Friend of yours? Course he does."

"Hush, Pond," the Doctor chided.

"Well this is a change," Jack finally managed, clearly delighted. "Interesting choice on the face, but as always I like. Your companions are lovely looking as well." Rory shifted awkwardly like most straight men did whenever they realized they were being included in one of Jack's assessments. "Glad to see you here."

"You too, you too, though I'll admit I wasn't expecting it," the Time Lord replied, still shaking Jack's hand though the fervor of it had died down. He stopped abruptly and glanced at Jack's torso with raised eyebrows. "You aren't wearing a shirt."

"Nope," the Captain agreed cheerfully enough, "I'm being reviewed."

"Ah, I see. To business, then," the Doctor stated, swiveling on his heels to face the throne. Chief Advisor Erinnae was a deep pink color due to her silent fuming, but the Queen had placed her silver sphere down to cup her chin in one hand as she leaned forward, observing the whole spectacle with no small amount of interest. "Greetings, You Imperial Majesty, I am the Doctor." He bowed low as he spoke, then straightened up and took a step back. "Amy, you need to present yourself and Rory," he instructed in quiet tones.

"Why me?" Amy asked in some confusion.

"Because in their eyes you are a woman and he is your male."

"What—" Rory started to ask, but at a shake of the Doctor's head, he stopped, taking one step forward while Amy took two, and they bowed together.

"Greetings, Your Imperial Majesty, I am Amy Pond and this is Rory, my- er, male," the Scottish woman stumbled over the odd wording, then backed up with her husband to stand by the Doctor.

"As I see, you are bound," the Queen acknowledged, indicating the matching gold rings on their left hands.

"But you," Erinnae zeroed her glare in on the Doctor, "you teach her of our ways and yet ignore them in regards to yourself!"

"Yes, my apologies, but Amy can't speak for me," the Doctor countered, "see, I'm not a male of her species."

"Oh?" The Queen arched one red eyebrow. "Then what are you, male Doctor?"

"I happen to be a Time Lord, the only Time Lord. So in a way, I reckon that grants me the status to speak for myself."

Chief Advisor Erinnae balled her hands into fists, but it was the Queen who said with an upward quirk to her lips, "You know of our laws."

"I am a distant observer, Your Majesty," he bowed his head with a smile.

"You are studious, then," she noted, and then rose from the throne to approach the TARDIS. "This is no ordinary craft."

"Type 40 Time Capsule, more commonly referred to as a TARDIS. That's Time and Relative Dimensions in Space."

"A machine that traverses time _and_ space? Most impressive," the Queen turned dark eyes, wide and glittering on the other alien.

"Yes, but what I'm more impressed by right now is this elaborate scheme of intergalactic _The Bachelorette_," the Doctor's smile did not leave, but his eyes turned sharp and calculating. Kate thought perhaps everyone in the room noticed the change, felt it even.

Except possibly Amy, who turned to him with a smirk and asked, "And why do you know about that show?"

He looked more than a little sheepish at being called out. "It was marathoning on your TV when I was- needed something to do when you were asleep and—shut up." Amy grinned but said nothing more. "Point is, even knowing what I do about Jack—"

"Thanks, Doc," the Captain said sarcastically.

"Will you lot quit interrupting me while I'm saving the world?" The Time Lord's hands were raised on either side of his face with the fingers splayed as he shook them in increasing agitation. "Or the freewill of the male species, at least? Because that's the point, Mexianna: you cannot force an intelligent being to do something they don't want to. Males are intelligent beings, even if they don't always act it, and they deserve a choice."

"We merely obtain a sample of the required genetic material," the Chief Advisor stated haughtily.

"Which I take is often against their will," Kate piped up, and the Doctor nodded at her approvingly.

"Right. The Breeding Raids the Artemins go on in your own quadrant are bad enough, Queen Mexianna, but you are far overreaching now and it is high time I put an end to it. This stops today." He had drawn up to the slightly shorter Queen and was now looking down at her with a stormy countenance. Erinnae looked furious but did not speak. "I will ask you only once. Let the men go."

The Queen seemed just as calm as she had been throughout everything, only now a satisfied smile stretched her full, red lips. "Release the human males."

"Your Imperial Majesty!" Chief Advisor Erinnae seemed aghast at this apparent surrender. Kate personally couldn't be more thrilled. Things were never this easy!

The other shoe dropped, though, as the Queen ran a finger down the line of buttons on the Doctor's shirt. "Release them, for I have found the appropriate candidate."

The Time Lord's eyes went wide and he swallowed once. "Oh."

"She means you," Rory guessed.

"Yes, that's a good hypothesis. Always was a chance of that happening," the Doctor conceded as he tried to take a step back from the Queen. She simply fisted her hand in his shirt to hold him in place, long nails likely scraping uncomfortably even through the material judging by his wince. "Listen, Mexianna, you really don't need to do this—"

"But there you are wrong, my male Doctor," the Queen replied as she pressed her other hand over where Kate knew the Doctor's second heart was. She seemed intrigued and entertained by this discovery as she continued, "I most certainly need an heir."

"Yes, yes I suppose you do. But, ah, there are certain reasons why using me as a means to that end would be unethical, even by your standards," the male alien argued, trying his best to squirm away from the red-haired monarch. Amy and Rory took two steps toward their friend before the Chief Advisor snapped her fingers and four hitherto unnoticed guards took up stances between the Ponds and their objective.

"You might want to start talking faster, Doc," Jack advised as he and Kate were forced to start backing away with them toward the exit by the guards.

"Yes, I know!" The Time Lord snapped. "Ok, um, I- I'm not a viable candidate because, rather like Rory here, I am bound. To someone else. She's not here right now—and that's normal!—but I am, in fact, married."

"_What_?" Jack's yelp was an echo of her own astonishment at the claim. A quick glance told her neither Amy nor Rory were surprised at the revelation, meaning they already must have known.

"And not to some long-dead monarch, either, though I have heard the rumors," the Doctor kept talking right over the Captain. "I'm really, properly married, happily so, and this is all just a _big_ misunderstanding so—"

"Your proof?"

"Proof?" The Doctor blinked down at the Queen. "Ehm- oh dear. You wouldn't happen to just take my word for it, would you, because it sort of took place in an aborted timeline in a world that never was—which we both remember!" He hastened to add with a shaky not-quite laugh.

The Time Lord was clearly floundering as the alien Queen simply tightened her hold. "We were there!" Rory burst out, standing up on tiptoe to see over the guards' heads. "You've got to have witnesses or the like, haven't you?"

"The word of a male is not accepted," Erinnae snapped.

"Well _I_ witnessed it, so that has to count, yeah? Cause I'm a woman, or whatever?" Amy practically growled back just as fiercely. That at least gave the guards pause.

Kate seized the chance. "Please, you've got to at least consider it. None of the men you brought up here to review were married so you've got to respect that sort of- of contract." It was the closest she would get to calling it ownership. Marriage wasn't supposed to work like that on Earth anymore, in either direction. "Give us time to obtain the proof we need."

The Queen tilted her head in thought. "Very well. My ship departs when the sun has set on your half of the world. Bring me your proof by that time and I will honor this alleged contract." They all relaxed somewhat at that, especially the Doctor when the Queen removed one of her hands from his shirt. "The male Doctor, however, shall remain with me until then," she added, and her fingers quick as lightning reached up and squeezed some point on the Time Lord between shoulder and neck. He gave a startled cry that cut off abruptly as his eyes rolled up and he slumped into the Queen's arms.

They all gave various outraged exclamations at that as one of the sturdier guards moved to pick up the unconscious alien, draping him unceremoniously over her shoulder.

"You have no need to fear," the Queen stated firmly, "I pledge not to proceed until this issue is resolved. I will not risk treachery, however, and thus he will stay with me. I shall see he is cared for," she offered this last part absently, like she doubted it was high on their priority list but she should add it anyway, and patted the Doctor's head where it hung upside-down long nails combing through the floppy brown strands.

"You better," Amy warned, a tremble to her voice that spoke not of fear, but anger. The Queen smiled magnanimously, then snapped her fingers. A guard held open a door off to the left behind the throne and she exited, Chief Advisor Erinnae and the guards—and therefore the Doctor—following behind.

The throne room was silent for a long moment. Finally Jack blew out a puff of air and scraped a hand over his face. "Ok, so if I can get access to a computer I could maybe forge some documents. That'll have to include a whole life story for this chick, man I wish the Doc had come up with a better cover story."

"What do you mean?" Rory asked, nonplussed.

The Captain scoffed. "The marriage thing? Look, I don't know how long you've known him, but marriage? Not really his style." Kate hadn't considered the idea the Time Lord had been lying, but she supposed Jack brought up a valid point.

At least till the Ponds exchanged a look that consisted of mainly raised eyebrows and smirking. "Yeah, starting to wonder how long you've known him," the redhead shot back.

"You wouldn't believe me," the immortal man returned. Amy simply rolled her eyes and began making her way back over to the TARDIS. "Hey, are you going to help us with the cover story or what?"

"We don't need to do that," Rory told them plainly.

"Then what's Amy doing?" Kate asked patiently enough before Jack could get too frustrated with the pair.

"Calling River," the woman herself answered over her shoulder before pushing the police box doors open.

"Who's River?" Jack demanded.

"Our daughter," Rory answered, and Kate's eyes widened in surprise. She hadn't seen any hints of a child in the Ponds' house when she'd sent the dogs in last summer. "She's all the proof we need."

"Why?"

The nurse stared them both down so seriously it would have been impossible to doubt his next words, whatever they might be. "Because she's his wife."

**Aaaand, that's part one! Finished it in time for Valentine's Day—barely. Ah well, still counts. Haha, I am seriously having fun with the matriarchy concept/role reversal stuff. The Doctor isn't, obviously, and just what will River have to say? I can't imagine this being any longer than two, maybe three chapters if I get really deep into it, so hopefully I'll have it all done for you by the end of this weekend. Crossing my fingers! Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok so, glad to see the positive response so far! Thanks for the feedback, follows, favorites, and even C2, I honestly hadn't expected so much in such a short time! I know I said I'd get this done over the weekend, but pesky Real Life stuff happened, so it kind of delayed things. Here's a long chapter to make up for it. Enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Chapter Two**

It had been a good day, Professor River Song decided, for both of them. Her Doctor had shown up in top hat and coattails and whisked her off to a concert hall in the 47th century. The skill and precision the many-tentacled man had displayed playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony on solo had certainly been impressive, the refreshments delicious, and the whole atmosphere one of elegance. Fortunately the inevitable alien threat had not come, for River rather liked the dress the TARDIS wardrobe had provided her.

A certain Time Lord's wandering hands as they'd walked back to the police box indicated he rather liked it, too.

Her arms were looped around his neck to bring his lips down to hers by the time they'd landed outside her cozy little flat. She was planning on taking her time leaving, however, keeping the kisses slow and languid. He seemed to be in no rush either; those who got to know the Doctor past his manic energy and his madcap pace of life got to see the scientist underneath, the man who examined something slowly, carefully, overlooking no detail. River had simply been lucky enough in her life to attract that kind of studious attention in her direction.

In a generous mood, she determined his overinflated ego could stand a bit more praise, and so she murmured in his ear, "You know, I really don't think I could love you more."

"Yes, well, I'm hoping you'll remember that in about five minutes," he breathed back, before returning to pressing light kisses all over her face.

But River froze. "Why, what happens in five minutes?" She questioned, not bothering to disguise the suspicious tone to her voice as she pulled away to get a proper look at his face.

He merely gave her a rakish grin. "Spoilers." That word was so much less fun when he was the one using it. The Doctor kissed the tip of her nose and then spun her out of his arms towards the door, though not letting go of her hand. "I'd recommend the jodhpurs, Professor Song."

Battle gear. River's eyes widened and a smirk unbidden came to her lips as he walked her the rest of the way to the exit. "What have you got waiting for me, you naughty boy?"

"Stop it," he scolded with as wicked a smile, even as he swatted her bum on her way out.

"I wonder if you'll make me," she mused aloud. He laughed.

"Till the next time, dear," the Doctor tipped his hat as she turned back once more.

"See you soon, my love," she returned, rather sure of that outcome. She'd at least be seeing some version of her husband, and hopefully one who knew he was her husband.

River turned and strode into her house as the sound of the TARDIS engines faded away, but she didn't dwell on that for once. Instead she changed and was all set to go when her phone rang. "Hello Sweetie," she said into the receiver, able to clearly picture his disgruntled face at her guess.

"No, it's mother," Amy Pond's voice came back to her. Oh, that man.

"Mummy dearest," River recovered quickly enough. After all, she'd never say no to a call from her parents. "How are you?"

"Could be better," the Scottish woman answered, which made her raise an eyebrow.

"Why, what's wrong? Are you and dad alright?"

"We're fine," the nurse himself replied slightly less distinct, likely leaning in close to her mother to listen in on the conversation. "It's just, er, the Doctor. He's sort of gotten himself accidentally, uh—you'll probably laugh—"

"River, have you heard of this place called Artemin?" Amy cut Rory off briskly, likely growing impatient with his roundabout explanation. Much as she loved her father, she couldn't help feeling glad for it.

She thought over her knowledge of various planets and alien races for a moment. "In the fourth quadrant, right?"

"Yeah, sounds right. Except their Queen sort of showed up on Earth looking for some 'required genetic material'." She could just imagine the way her mother likely formed air quotes to go with her unimpressed tone.

River nodded in understanding. "Right, the Breeding Raids. It's unusual for them to go so far, but I'd guess the Queen would be rather particular concerning her own heir. I take it the Earth's in a bit of a stir," she remarked wryly.

But she was to be surprised again as Amy contradicted her. "Actually, Earth's pretty ok at the moment. The Queen's agreed to leave it alone."

"Then what's the problem?" She couldn't help asking in some small frustration.

"The problem's more that she's taken a liking to the Doctor," it was Rory who answered.

There was a moment of complete silence over both ends of the line as River processed this and her parents waited. "I'm sorry?"

"We're really not kidding," her father stated.

"They'd abducted a bunch of men for the Queen to pick from and he was trying to get her to send them back, leave them all alone, you know?" Amy elaborated. "Only the idiot forgot to include himself in that and now she's got him hostage till we can figure something out."

"She's not allowed to do that, though," River tried to keep herself calm by reasoning out loud, even if it did no good. Obviously the monarch was doing so anyway. "Artemians don't have marriage, but they recognize unions on other planets as a sort of non-breakable contract—"

"Exactly, that's why we need you," Rory cut her off, seemingly glad she'd somehow stumbled upon their point.

"Yeah, cause he tried telling her that only since you two didn't do it in a church with rings, she wants proof and she's not letting the Doctor go unless she gets it," Amy clarified.

"She really likes him," Rory added.

"Don't need to tell her that, stupid face," her mother's voice was muffled, no doubt because she'd put a hand over the phone briefly to scold her husband. It really was fine, though. Of course the Artemian Queen would have taken a liking to the Doctor. As a charmer, the man was practically deadly when he was trying, and still just as effective even when he was not. So her father's added words did not upset her.

No, River Song was not upset. At first, she had been surprised by her parents' news. Then, just a tiny bit amused at the characteristically bizarre situation her husband had got himself into. But now?

Now an indignant spark ignited a slowly burning, building rage the likes of which she hadn't felt since having to ask permission to build their Area 52 from _Cleopatra_.

"How long will she wait?" River asked, no doubt cutting into a bit of gentle bickering between her parents.

"She's leaving at sundown and it's a little past one here," Amy answered promptly.

"So you'll come?" Oh, her dear dad. Ever since Demon's Run he'd always felt the need to ask.

"Yes, of course. I'll be with you as soon as I can," she promised them, "I'll just need a few minutes."

"What for?" Her mother questioned, sounding just a bit wary.

"To rethink my arsenal." River let just a hint of a steely edge to her tone leak through. "Be with you soon."

Snapping the phone shut, she swept back into her bedroom and opened her closet, the one he always skirted around with a slightly worried, slightly curious look. Switching some things out—there wasn't so much call for a squareness gun this time, but her trusty old blaster? She sometimes wondered why she'd gotten out of the habit of bringing it—River shut the door and then stood before the full-length mirror attached to the front.

The belt would have to be tightened a bit, this was her first observation. She did so, leaving it more than comfortable enough to breath but letting her show off a little bit. Her hairbrush was fetched from her nightstand; her curls were in a slight disarray after being in an up-do for the concert. Best to make it look artfully tousled. And a quick touch-up on the makeup hardly took any time at all. Her heeled boots were then traded out for something just a little steeper. Everything in order, then. She ought to be satisfied. Still…

This wasn't really for him. Certainly he'd approve, but then again he'd approve of her in her old prison clothes or a cleric's uniform. Anything else to him was just appealing window dressing. No doubt the alien Queen herself was rather attractive.

So no, this wasn't some misguided attempt to regain his affections; they weren't lost in the first place. Nor was it because she felt a need to compete; a pretty face wasn't required to put a halt to this woman's machinations. But she was going to rescue her husband, and she wanted to look good while doing it, to leave no doubt on any level why _she_ was the woman he'd chosen to call wife.

With that in mind, Professor River Song did something she hadn't done in a long time. She took the age down. Just a little bit. It might freak them out. She didn't care.

_Now_ she was ready. Snapping on her Vortex Manipulator, River tapped in the coordinates and sent herself hurtling through space and time. With a short _zap_ to the air, the TARDIS' familiar hum was around her and Amy and Rory were only a few feet away.

Her mother had been pacing while waiting and so turned sharply at hearing her arrival to face her. "Great, you're here!" Amy had her in a hug moments later which River happily returned. Much fun as younger versions of her mother could be, running around the universe with abandon and a breeziness about the consequences that rivaled her own, she truly cherished these times with her parents when they knew her and, bless them, despite all the strangeness and lost time between them still wanted to be her parents.

Speaking of which, she pulled back from Amy in order to next greet her father with a "Hello, dad," spoken into his ear as they embraced.

"Good to see you," he held on tightly for just a second before releasing her. "Although, this whole thing isn't so good, I guess."

"Yes," she agreed, patting the Old Girl's console to complete all the hellos. "Where are we parked?"

"Their ship, in the throne room. Never thought spaceships needed a throne room," Amy commented with a bemused quirk to her lips.

"What do you think this is, mother?" River gestured around the control room they were standing in, taking care to include the currently empty pilot's chair. Both her parents grinned at that, so River allowed herself a smirk as she descended the stairs leading to the front doors.

"Oh, uh, there's some people out there," Rory put in as she reached to pull them open. "Kate and this other man, the Doctor called him Jack."

That gave her pause. "Was there a 'Captain' in front of that?"

"Yeah," Amy agreed slowly. "Why, have you heard of him?"

River's smirk only grew. "Few in the 51st century haven't. But yes, I've heard quite a lot." She more than had the upper hand, then. Excellent. Schooling her features, she stepped out of the police box at last, to see the two humans specified waiting in tense anticipation. "Afternoon."

Kate blinked, rocking back on her heels with her hands in her pockets. "Afternoon. I hadn't realized anyone else was on board."

"Oh, I wasn't, I just got here," she corrected.

"How? The TARDIS didn't even leave," Jack Harkness himself disputed.

She held up the wrist her Vortex manipulator was strapped to. "I'd be surprised if you didn't recognize one of these, Captain." His eyebrows rose to his hairline at seeing the device.

She heard Amy and Rory slip out of the police box behind her before they slipped into her peripheral vision on either side. "Ok, introductions," Amy decided, waving an arm toward the woman first. "This is Kate, she heads UNIT."

"Kate Stewart, then," she stated in some pleasure, having had her suspicions. "So nice to finally meet you."

"I take it you've heard of me? I'll hope it's all good things," the blonde woman responded with a smile that was just a little crooked. It gave a wry edge to her words and mannerisms that she quite liked.

"No need to worry on that account," she assured. "As for you, Captain Jack Harkness, I've been told just one thing."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" He asked in interest.

"'Stay away'."

"Reckon we've messed that up," Rory muttered to her left.

"Well it was always up to me if I wanted to follow that instruction, dad."

"Sorry, _you're_ their daughter?" Kate managed, looking more than a little thrown.

"Oh, that was rather rude of me," she noted in a tone that wasn't all that apologetic, reaching out a hand for each of them to shake. "Professor River Song, archeologist."

"Starting to think that's just code for 'Time Lord rescuer'," Amy remarked, looking just as amused at Kate and Jack's shocked expressions.

"Getting to that," she offered a shared smirk in her mother's direction. "Now then, all the abductees have been returned, yes?"

"Er, yes," Kate was trying valiantly to recover. "As of ten minutes ago, they were all teleported down, and the Queen has pledged Artemin won't infringe on the Earth's sovereignty in that way again."

"Good, I'd rather not barge in while he's negotiating some peace treaty, he'd be ever so cross." River glanced from one of the room's exits to the other. "Which way?"

"Behind the throne," Rory told her, he and Amy falling into step with her a moment after she began walking in that direction.

"Wait, hang on just a second." Jack stepped around in front of them with a hand held out like a stop sign. "Look Professor, your parents here said you could help us because you're married. To the Doc," the immortal man seemed to feel it necessary to add. She nodded, moving to go around him but he matched it. "Well you can't be, I mean—"

"Can't I?" She arched a single brow, seeing some of his conviction fade. "Oh Captain, I know it's lot to accept, but you'll simply have to."

"But he doesn't- he just doesn't _do_ marriage, you know? He doesn't even do relationships!" River knew he wasn't trying to be obstinate; the poor man had simply had over a century's worth of worldview shattered. Still, she felt certain he'd bounce back with the right words.

"It takes a fair bit of work, but I've found he does," she noted absently, then flashed him a wicked smirk. "Who knows, maybe you should have bought him that drink." Judging by his dropped jaw, he knew exactly what she meant by that, and so River winked, finally maneuvering around him to continue on her way.

Behind her, under his breath, Captain Jack uttered a single word. "_Damn_."

"This shouldn't be so bad," Amy was saying, "we just have to ask for him back, yeah?"

"Of course," she said agreeably enough, reaching the door and rapping on it sharply.

"And if that doesn't work?"

It was Kate who asked, but Rory almost immediately amended, "When that doesn't work?"

"We stop asking."

OoO

Rolling his neck with a groan, the Doctor awoke to the bite of metal at his wrists and someone poking at his feet. Giving a groggy "What?" that came out more as "Whuagh?" he blinked a couple times as it took him a moment to register that he was sitting against a pole, hands cuffed to it behind him, and his shoes and socks were missing, allowing Queen Mexianna to pinch his big toe between two of her lengthy nails as she bent her head to scrutinize it.

"Ah!" He almost kicked out in pure reflex, but managed to stop himself. Her dark-eyed gaze snapped up to his in some surprise, but not a bit of contriteness, leaving him feeling a bit foolish for the outburst. Trying to get his spiked heart rates back down to normal, he took a breath and started again, "Sorry. Ehm, what- what are you doing?"

"Studying the male form," she answered plainly enough, leaning back to look him in the eye properly for a moment. She or someone else had placed a sort of mat down for her to sit on, which he supposed excused her otherwise inelegant position on the floor. "Are they all so resilient? I had thought I'd grow bored with the feet long before you woke up—they're rather similar to mine, leaving not much to examine."

"There's a lot about humanoids that's similar between the genders," he informed her, wishing he had at least one hand free to scrub over his eyes. They still felt sort of bleary. "Oh, listen to me, getting as bad as Pond. There's nothing humanoid about you lot, you're all Time Lords," he hastened to correct, though it lacked some of the usual vehemence. "And no, I'm more resilient than humans, to answer your question. That was your question, wasn't it?"

"It was," she nodded, even as she lifted his one leg to roll the foot and ankle around in the socket some, perhaps just for the novelty.

"Right, well I am," he affirmed, more just for something to say in the face of this. Deciding on distracting himself further, he added, "That was a neat trick you pulled, though, I'll give you that. Quite Venusian of you."

"You noticed," she sounded pleased. "I have taken the trouble to learn the style."

"Yes, you're a regular Renaissance Woman with all your studying, aren't you? Is that why Jack didn't have a shirt? You wanted to see what he looked like, what men look like." The Doctor was honestly quite relieved to find he'd come to only missing his jacket.

"You're very capable in logical reasoning, my male Doctor," she responded as she shifted forward slightly, smiling like one did when indulging a child.

"I'm particularly skilled with that," he agreed, trying to scoot back closer to the pole with only one leg to keep him from flopping over, "but all men have that ability, not just me, you know. They're really quite a talented bunch if you'd give them a chance and—ehm, look, could you please stop that?" He finally gave up as he simply began attempting to tug his leg out of her grip; she'd rolled his trouser-leg up to just below the knee and was trailing fingers down his calf, nails leaving faint white lines that faded to pink as she traced the veins, palm cupping his hamstring.

"Why?" She questioned with an innocent tilt to her head.

"Because it makes me uncomfortable," he answered truthfully, despite knowing how futile that was likely to be. The discomfort of a male hardly warranted the concern of the Artemian Queen.

But Mexianna set his leg back down and removed her hands entirely. "Very well."

"Thank you," he acknowledged uncertainly. She seemed amused at that, so he felt safe pressing, "Is there some reason you're choosing to consider my feelings now?"

The alien monarch seemed to think over her response for some time. "You've noticed I have a fondness for study. As Queen, it is my duty to my sisters to be informed and to use my knowledge for the furtherance of Artemin. And in my quest I have come to the conclusion that my mothers were blind."

"Your mothers?" He echoed in some confusion, before realizing, "Ah, you mean Mexianna the Thirteenth! And the Twelfth. The Eleventh, too, I suppose. Not to mention Ten through—mm," he pressed his lips together and hummed the rest of his sentence in reaction to her placing her finger over them.

"Erinnae warned me of the male proclivity for chatter," she chided him, though she didn't seem irritated in any way. That was good.

"Yesh, where isshe?" He asked around her finger, unable to help voicing that inquiry.

"I sent her away so that we may talk. She would not like me engaging in conversation with a male." The Doctor simply raised an eyebrow this time, but she was clever enough to read the question in that. Giving something of a weary sigh, the vibrant redhead admitted, "She was the Chief Advisor to my mother, not my own personal choice."

"Buh—Mecshianna can you pweashe?" By turning his head and just generally wriggling as best he could, she got the message and withdrew her hand. "That's better, thanks. But what I meant to say was how could Erinnae have been your mother's Chief Advisor? She'd have to be much older than I thought." He was certain Artemians aged at a relative rate to humans, after all.

She merely laughed at this, however, making him feel he was missing something. "My predecessor is my mother, yes, male Doctor, but not how the humans use the term. She is what came before me and I must honor her and strive to keep her wise counsel. But we are not linked through descending genetics."

"Oh," his eyes widened as he took in this new information. "But I'd thought the title did descend from mother to—that is, biological mother to daughter."

"Yes, on Artemin, childbearing is seen as the Queen's most solemn duty, for it is a sacrifice to maintain order and continuity. As long as a certain population quota is met, the rest of the Sisterhood are allowed the option of whether or not to be part of the 'Breeding Raids', as you call them, but the Queen _must_ conceive."

"Oh, well," the Doctor could not stop his shoulders from slumping in injured disbelief. "So much for the miracle of life."

"My mother, Mexianna XIII, refused to take part, so repulsed was she with the thought of coming into contact with men. She abdicated to spend the rest of her life in the isolation of purity, and I was chosen to rule in her stead, having some similar genetic material. The males were brothers, I believe."

"You're her cousin," he assisted her, "half-cousin, anyway. And you were never meant to be Queen, but now she's gone and stuck you with it." How dreadfully unfortunate for her.

Mexianna XIV nodded. "Yes, and it has thrown us into disarray. We are not barbarians conducting raids as you would believe, male Doctor. As the largest exporter of goods and technologies in our section of the quadrant, Artemin has been able to negotiate deals with its neighbors; every few years a planet must give us a set number of samples of genetic material from its males so that we may replenish our population.

"But I see that this can only hold for so long. The other planets are steadily catching up in development and soon they will no longer be dependent on us. There will be no benefit for them to adhere to the terms of our agreements. Further still, it will be some years yet for any of the planets' samples to be collected, but I am in need of an heir now in order to soothe the unrest of the Sisterhood." She was staring at him earnestly as all of this came almost pouring from her. Clearly this was the first time she was giving voice to her concerns if she did not trust her own Chief Advisor.

"So that's why you had to come out so far to look for someone. None of your neighbors was willing to bend the rules of the contract to help you," he couldn't help a slight smirk from forming even as he felt a growing sympathy in him for this alien woman.

"It was one of my reasons," she acknowledged, which caused him to sit up as best he could without hands in interest. "You see, the crisis resulting in my ascension to power has only convinced me of how stagnant Artemin has become in its ways, and how it must change in order to continue to thrive, or even to survive at all."

A progressive? Now this he could get behind. "So this isn't just about economics or foreign affairs. You want to open your people up to the idea that men are just as intelligent and capable as any Artemian."

"I must, if only because coming to this planet has proven to me it is true. These humans give the male Jack the same authority as they do their Director Kate, and speaks knowledgeably on many topics, like yourself. But it is you the Sisterhood will be most impressed by, I am certain of it." She nodded to go with her conviction, but he was bewildered.

"What do you mean they'll be impressed by me? I'm a male, I'm not allowed anywhere near your Sisterhood."

"By the order of the Queen, you are," Mexianna countered with something of a smug smile. "My male Doctor, you shall be the first of man-kind to set foot on Artemin in recorded history."

Ooh, those were nice words. "That is quite an honor," he commented as noncommittally as he could. "But, ah, I thought I was just being used for genetic material?"

"That was the stated purpose of our voyage, yes, but not the true intention. I plan to initiate first contact between the sisters of my planet," she placed a hand over her breast for a moment before reaching out to touch his chest, "and the peoples of the known world, fellow sisters _and_ the males." Both her hands were brought up to cup his face. "You are strange and unknown to us, but I will have my sisters learn. There is much of you to study, even the jaw is dissimilar. So angular."

"I've been told," he couldn't help the petulant tone. "And I'd prefer not to be examined like some specimen under a microscope, thanks."

"You misunderstand," her smile had not dimmed, and she stroked her thumbs over his cheekbones in a way that was likely meant to be soothing, were he not so worried about her nails so close to his face. "It is your customs and manners and intellect my sisters will study. Your physical form is not for _them_ to concern themselves with other than casual observation."

"Right, that's for your careful consideration," he remarked dryly, starting to get an even worse feeling about this. It had already been over the line to suggest appropriating his genes to provide an heir—he'd had enough of artificially produced children, thank you—but now what Mexianna was suggesting was sounding increasingly long-term.

She seemed content to let her hands wander, one playing with the fringe that hung over his forehead while the other poked at his bowtie curiously. "You will be comfortable at the palace. I shall see that accommodations are made to your liking as pertains to food and clothing," she punctuated this with a tug on one of the loops that made the whole thing come undone, which gave her only momentary pause. "You will teach us your ways and I will hear your advice on many matters."

"Why can't you just hear me asking you to let me go?" Some of his building frustration leaked into his voice at this, and she favored him with a disappointed look.

"My male Doctor, it is for all of Artemin that I do this. If we do not change our ways we will surely come to ruin. Is it not so?"

"It is," he agreed wearily.

"You were willing to come to the aid of the Earth. Would you not help my planet if it needed your assistance?"

"Of course I'd help," this was said even more reluctantly, knowing just where she was going with this reasoning.

"Then you will return with me to Artemin."

"No," he stated firmly.

Her eyes narrowed at his contradiction as she leaned forward. "Why not?"

"Because it's not something you can _demand_ of me," he burst out, at wit's end. "It won't change anything about your planet if I don't want to be there in that sort of- of capacity. If you want to really set a good example for your sisters, you've got to go about this the right way. Find a bloke and just _ask_. You're an intelligent, beautiful woman, Mexianna—"

It was as he said so that the door to whatever room this was slammed open. Several people were on the other side, but in front was a harassed, furious Erinnae and a cold, calculating River Song taking in the whole scene. No doubt it was an eyeful; Mexianna leaning in close with both hands now planted on his shoulders, and he in shirtsleeves and bare feet with one trouser-leg still rolled up and his bowtie undone.

The Doctor let his head thunk back against the metal pole, eyes locked on the ceiling. "Seriously?"

"Hello Sweetie," River's voice carried a dangerous edge to it, and when he chanced a glance her eyes were glittering in that way that made him unsure if she was about to slap him or laugh in his face. He hoped it was the latter. "And what sort of time am I interrupting here?"

"The worst time, dear," he answered truthfully, wondering if anyone would blame her this time should she kill him. "The absolute worst."

**So yeah, a lot to take in in one chapter, I know. But I'm hoping it lived up to expectations and that you're all liking where this is going so far. A couple things to keep in mind regarding Artemian culture/language:**

_**Sisterhood = Kingdom**_

_**Sisters = Citizens**_

_**Mother = 1. Predecessor; 2. Mentor**_

**If there's anything else you're confused about just ask and I'll either answer it in a pm or in the next chapter/author's note if a lot of people are wondering. Thanks so much for reading and please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, back again! You guys are kind of flooring me with the overwhelming response, I'd thought this was just a slightly kooky idea I had rattling around in my brain that I just needed to get out, but I'm glad it has so many people interested. **

**Just wanted to clear something up, because Kerjen pointed out something from last chapter that might have caused unintentional confusion. Amy told River the Queen was holding the Doctor despite his being married because he and River didn't 'do it in a church with rings'. That doesn't mean the Artemians only recognize a Christian religious ceremony; that was just Amy being rather flippant. The Artemians would recognize any sort of union provided it was considered valid on whatever planet of origin, but the Doctor and River's problem is that they got married in a reality that never happened. Our favorite archeologist isn't likely to let that stand in the way, however.**

**So moving on to the actual update, I'll just let you read. Enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Chapter Three**

Jack, though standing near the back, had a rather nice vantage point for being the tallest, and he appreciated the opportunity to take stock of his Time Lord friend's latest form. Long, lean, and at the moment rather disheveled, a very good look for him. Much as he would miss the pinstripe suit-wearing man he'd come to know the past few years, not to mention his first big-eared traveler in leather, Jack knew better than most that the Doctor was the Doctor whatever face, and not much about the important parts of his character changed.

Except one thing, and he was currently staring at the back of her curly head. What the hell had happened since he'd seen the mad alien last?

He exchanged a raised eyebrow with Kate as the strange woman took charge once more, striding right into the room despite Chief Advisor Erinnae's protests.

"Your Majesty, this human citizen demands to see you and refuses to submit to our customs! It is a disgrace—"

"Oh, I'm a disgrace alright, but I'm not a human citizen," the other woman stopped and, especially with the added height of a frankly ridiculously steep pair of heels, towered over the two on the floor. "I'm Professor River Song, and I'm the woman who married the Doctor. Now what exactly is this that I'm hearing about _proof_?" Her tone had a dangerous edge to it that clearly warned off challenging her.

But Queen Mexianna XIV simply rose to her feet in one fluid motion, regarding the blonde woman with a somewhat disinterested air. "I had no idea they'd summon you here. What an awful lot of trouble to go through for no result. You see, Professor River, there is no proof that would satisfy Artemian law. The male Doctor has already stated that your supposed union was negotiated in a time that is no longer existent." In front of him, Amy put a hand to her forehead and Rory shook his head. Jack understood their frustration at yet another unfortunate case of the Doctor oversharing. "Unless you have some document or significant artifact such as the human citizen Amy and her male Rory have, from any officially recognized system of contract, I am not obligated to release him to you; I had my guards take the liberty of searching the male Doctor for such an item, to little effect."

She gestured to a table standing against one wall, on which the Time Lord's jacket and footwear sat. There was also a small mountain of trinkets and knickknacks, most noticeably a red fez, the sonic screwdriver, and the physic paper. The Doctor gave an indignant squawk at the casual mention of such an invasion of privacy and raised himself up as far as he could to view the table. He lost his footing on the smooth floor, however, and fell almost flat onto his back with his arms pinned underneath.

River Song tutted softly, kneeling down to help him sit back up as best he could. "Handcuffs. Really, Sweetie, is nothing sacred?" She asked as she retied the bow at his neck with well-practiced efficiency. Looking back up at the Queen, her frown was visible to Jack as she added, "I realize you're probably used to getting what you want, but _this_ seems an awful lot of trouble to go through for one male's genetic sample."

"Actually, River, change of plans. She wants to marry me, like really properly take-me-home-and-make-an-honest-man-of-me type marrying," the Doctor spoke up nervously, getting his wife's attention again as she whipped her head back to gape at him in shock. "And probably use my genetic sample, but you know, already expected that."

"Wait, _what_?" Amy broke in sharply, shoving past Erinnae to get into the room herself.

Rory followed, though he muttered a quick apology to the Chief Advisor. "You said there weren't any men on her planet."

"There aren't. I'd be the first," the Time Lord replied. "Bit exciting, I'll admit."

"Oh, I don't think so," River stated softly.

The tiny half-smile that had appeared on the Doctor's face dropped instantly, and he dutifully shook his head. "No, you are absolutely right. Nothing exciting about it whatsoever, nope."

Beside him, Kate stifled a quiet laugh at the alien man's clear backpedaling, but addressed Queen Mexianna and Erinnae with a stern tone. "Now I really have to protest. The Doctor may not be human, but he is employed by my organization. That's certainly got to give him protection from abduction at least."

"Oh, right, I have a job!" The Time Lord put in, seemingly delighted. "Hear that, Pond, I've got a job same as you and Rory, how about that?" Amy had gotten down beside River by this point and appeared to be taking a determined stab at his restraints with a hairpin, seemingly fed up with all the standing around and talking.

Chief Advisor Erinnae noticed this. "Stop that, you have no right to tamper with Her Imperial Majesty's property!"

"Listen, lady, property isn't something you have to chain up to make sure it doesn't go anywhere," Jack ground out, looming over her rather effectively as well. He'd been leaving the discussion mostly to the three females of their group since his and Rory's voices were not to be considered, but he'd let himself be killed a hundred times over before he let anyone speak about the Doctor that way. To think this could've been him with only Kate to defend him by herself was also a rather uncomfortable idea.

"Yes, thank you Jack, I am not a piece of furniture," the Doctor acknowledged with a grateful nod. "As I was explaining to Mexianna here."

"And how did that go?" Rory put in dryly, causing the Time Lord to give him an injured pout.

"Silence!" Erinnae practically shrieked. "All this male chatter. Your Majesty, do you truly intend to bring this to our pure Sisterhood?"

"Not even the Sisterhood was pure enough for my mother, and should we all elect to follow her example, we will surely perish," the Queen stated firmly. Jack felt somewhat confused by this, as even the TARDIS translation circuits left some things to be desired.

But Professor Song seemed to have followed it all well enough for she stood back up to look the alien Queen straight in the eye. "If you set the example of abducting your husbands you'll do more than perish. Artemin would be embroiled in war on all sides, not just from me. Now if I know the Doctor like I do, then he's probably been trying to tell you exactly how to go about this the right way. Let him go, and we'd all be more than happy to help you find a solution." She was being incredibly diplomatic about all this, Jack had to give her credit, but then again she was doing nothing to hide from the monarch or the Time Lord the rather high-tech blaster in a holster at her hip. He was surprised the male alien had yet to say anything about it, really.

"He _is_ my solution," Queen Mexianna insisted stubbornly. "His presence in my palace shall be the model for my sisters' future interactions with man-kind, and it is his heirs as well as mine that will be given life and the privilege of rule."

River's fists clenched and so Jack spoke up sharply, hoping yet to forestall any violent confrontation; they'd taken his gun when he'd been brought in, and so the archeologist was the only one armed. Not the best odds keeping in mind the guards that stood in the doorway to block off any escape attempt and awaiting the slightest signal to intercede on events in the room. "I'm going to assume you haven't asked him if he wants you to have his kids, but would you even consider that might just be a disrespect to his own?"

It was fairly common knowledge to both him and Kate that the Doctor had had family, though that was more through word of mouth from other companions and the late Brigadier. The UNIT director had even uncovered a photo of Susan Foreman, a girl rumored to be his granddaughter, though the Time Lord had never confirmed any specific names. He felt it safe to assume that River Song would be aware of this, seeing as she really did seem to be his current wife.

But it was the Doctor's bowed head and shut eyes that told Jack he'd revealed too much before he heard Amy's gasp. The red-haired woman stopped what she'd been attempting with the cuffs as a hand flew up to her mouth. "Your own…"

Weary eyes opened to regard her as a bitter smile curled at the Time Lord's lips. "The truth at last, Amelia, eh?"

The Scottish woman's eyes were practically swimming in tears as she shook her head, like she could just refuse the horrible reality.

Her husband stood and held out his hand to the Artemians. "Key," he demanded, his commanding voice and posture only reinforced by his daughter, armed, at his side. With a grudging frown, Erinnae withdrew it from a chain around her neck—which made Jack wonder just how long the Doctor would have supposedly had to remain in handcuffs if the Chief Advisor hadn't even been in the room before they'd stormed down the corridor—and passed it to the man who was at the Doctor's restraints in a flash. "Don't you dare even ask for permission," Rory gave this instruction to the Time Lord, who didn't even pause to shake out his no doubt aching arms in order to wrap them securely around the redhead who at the moment was trying not to cry.

"Shh, Amy, it's alright," the Doctor did his best to sooth, though his gaze was fixed on some distant point that wasn't really the opposite wall, and his smile wavered precariously. "I'm ok, we're all ok."

"Shut up, no it isn't," she muttered, burying her face in his shoulder. "You don't get to be ok about this."

Jack had to look away with stinging eyes of his own, and saw Kate pass a hand over her face, surreptitiously wiping away any wetness.

"And now you've made my mother cry." Jack was unbelievably thankful River Song appeared to be blaming the alien Queen for this as opposed to him. A rather convincing argument could be made, after all, and though her voice was calm it was completely chilled. "You realize there's only one question now: what am I supposed to do with you?"

Her hand was hovering over her blaster now, and Jack tensed in anticipation. There was no way he wasn't dying at least once to get them all out of here, and then who knew where'd he'd end up in that chaos?

But the Chief Advisor was also eyeing the weapon warily, however, and seemed to decide it was best she provide an option she wanted. "In the absence of documentation or other evidence signifying ownership, you may still issue a challenge."

"Erinnae!" Exclaimed the Queen, shocked. It was clear the two Artemians had not seen eye to eye on the necessity of this course of action, and now that it was proving so difficult to forge the new path the advisor was more than prepared to back out. Normally Jack wouldn't be cheering for the more prejudiced woman, but if it freed the Doctor he'd set aside progress for the moment.

"The Challenge of Claim is a duel to the point of disarmament or surrender between two parties, with swords," Erinnae stressed with another pointed glare at the gun. "As you are challenging Her Imperial Majesty, first _you_ must best her in combat followed by a second victory against her by _another_ challenger of your choice."

There was a heavy moment of silence as River turned the options over. He could imagine it was a tough choice. On the one hand, they could try to fight their way back to the TARDIS, probably unsuccessfully and even if not they'd create an intergalactic incident. On the other hand, issuing the Challenge of Claim effectively labeled the Doctor—and any male—as property, which was not a desirable precedent to set for the already discriminatory planet.

But something sparked in River Song's eyes as she glanced down to the side at her husband. He still had most of his attention on Amy, but met her gaze head-on and nodded once. The professor then took her blaster from her holster and threw it to harmlessly clatter against the floor. "You are so lucky I don't want to go back to prison," the woman remarked, making both Jack and Kate raise an eyebrow. "I'll issue the Challenge of Claim."

"I accept," Queen Mexianna replied primly, obviously still smarting over her advisor's maneuver. "You will be directed to proper equipment and our arena for such challenges. I must warn you, Professor River, I have a most formidable skill with a blade." With that, she swept from the room with the Chief Advisor, only leaving behind a pair of guards to lead the way to whatever equivalent of an armory they had onboard.

River Song barely waited for them to be gone before she crossed the room in two strides to retrieve her blaster. Instead of holstering it, however, she then turned to the pile of the Doctor's things on the table, snatched up the fez, and blew a hole right through it without even batting an eye.

"Oi!" The Time Lord himself let go of Amy to spring into a standing position, only to have the curly-haired woman throw his boots and socks at him. "Was that necessary?"

"Always," she replied with a smirk. The professor then began packing the rest of the pile back into his jacket pockets, in a manner that indicated she knew exactly which one each item corresponded to. If there was an actual order to it, at least.

"Why exactly the fez in particular?" Kate inquired with a curious half-smile.

"It makes him angry," was the airy response.

"Can say that again," Amy's voice was a bit stuffy, but she appeared mostly recovered as Rory gave her a hand to help her up. Jack offered an apologetic look that she waved off. "So, fighting for the fair Doctor's hand, yeah?"

"Oh, ha-ha," the male alien glanced up from tying the laces on his boots to shoot the Scottish woman a cross look, though it seemed rather good-natured all the same, like he was used to the ribbing.

"So Professor Song here carries a gun," Jack finally decided to bring up this point.

Rory was the one who answered him, seemingly nonplussed. "Yeah, so?"

"Be one thing if it were pirates, could handle that," Amy was saying to River, "but I don't think I'd be much good for a duel. Rory's way better at the swording."

"I quite agree, mum, but I've already got my second in mind," the other woman replied.

"Really?" Rory turned to the pair in interest. Jack took the couple steps over to the Doctor, Kate trailing after.

"Your wife," Jack stated bluntly, "she's crazy."

The Time Lord nodded once. "Yes, I know."

"Her parents are crazy."

"Yes, they are at that," the Doctor did nothing to hide his proud smile, standing up fully and finally rolling his shoulders after having been held in the same position for however long.

"What the hell, Doc?" Jack finally asked.

He received a pat on the shoulder for that. "It's been a long three-hundred years, Captain. Right, are we ready to go?" This was addressed to the group at large. The three over by the table nodded and came over.

"I'm assuming you yourself have some swordsmanship, Professor Song," Kate said, not sounding too doubtful. It wouldn't surprise Jack either if the archeologist were skilled in archery and martial arts as well, the way this day was going.

"Oh, I was taught by the best," the woman confirmed with a grin as she handed over the Doctor's jacket to its owner.

"I swear, if you say the TARDIS this time," the Time Lord left it an open threat and he brought the tweed blazer around and pulled his arms through in one smooth motion, perhaps the most coordinated Jack had seen this body pull off so far.

"Honey, I wouldn't dare," River replied, though her smile was mischievous.

He tapped her on the nose and in a low voice that sent a thrill through _Jack's_ spine, forget anyone else's, said, "Good girl."

Oh God, this one was a flirt. Jack Harkness just fell a little more in love.

"Wait, you mean you learned from—" Rory broke off, seeming unsure how to proceed. The Doctor and his wife turned as one to face him. "Oh, just great."

OoO

No. Oh no. Just- no.

Rory Williams loved his daughter, respected her, trusted her judgment in just about anything. He felt the same about the Doctor, his best friend and son-in-law, though he usually tried not to think about that aspect.

But how could this in any possible way be a good idea?

The guards had possession of the swords on their walk to the arena, and if Rory had to describe the blades in human terms he'd say they resembled the historical one-handed Chinese _jian_, not a weapon he'd had much practice with those two-thousand years at all. So he could excuse River for not picking him as a second.

With Queen Mexianna waiting near the center of the arena floor with her own sword unsheathed, though, it was hardly time to think about the second match when his daughter was about to begin the first. As she calmly walked forward and stopped a good ten paces from the alien monarch, Rory reminded himself that this was a duel to surrender or disarmament, not death. He still gripped Amy's hand tightly in one of his.

"To Her Imperial Majesty Queen Mexianna XIV, I issue this Challenge of Claim over the Doctor, my husband. Do you accept?" River solemnly intoned as she had been instructed by the guards. She then readied her stance.

The Queen inclined her head as she did so as well. "I do accept, Professor River. And as Queen, I make the first move!" She leapt forward before these words even left her mouth, and only River's step back and quick move of her blade stopped the Queen's.

"I guess they figure you'll surrender if you lose an arm," Jack muttered darkly.

"Captain," Kate Stewart warned without taking her eyes off the arena floor. They were all seated on a raised dais with a guard on either end, and so had an elevated perspective of what was occurring below.

River had been placed on the defensive with that first move and she stayed that way, taking side-steps and only small hops backward to avoid being backed into a wall or corner. The clanging of the blades was fierce and frequent.

On Amy's other side, the Doctor sat leaned forward with his chin resting against one hand, still but for his eyes which followed every movement the duelers made. Rory supposed he had perhaps more reason than all of them to be so intently focused, as it was his freedom being fought over. He did not seem very perturbed at all by River's apparent misfortune so far.

"What's she doing?" He asked the Time Lord.

"Waiting."

"For what?" Amy turned briefly away from the match to ask.

"For her to tire."

The Queen made a slower, sweeping strike, and that turned out to be River's opening. She knocked the flat of her blade against the edge of the other's, and the alien monarch staggered back a few steps to recover. From that point on, River was clearly on the offense, moving with that precision and agility Rory had become accustomed to since first meeting the curly-haired woman. The Queen steadily lost ground, though it was still touch-and-go at moments, for she really hadn't been lying about her skill. At last with a twist of her blade, River sent the other's flying out of her grip to land some feet away. The tip of River's sword pointed between the Queen's eyes.

"Winner, Professor River," Chief Advisor Erinnae spoke up from the other side of the room.

"Yes!" Amy cheered, dragging both him and the Doctor in for a celebratory hug. Squished in at his wife's side, he shared an indulgent grin with the Time Lord.

Jack Harkness let out an appreciative whistle, causing River to wink up at him, while Kate clapped in her own show of support.

"Well done," Queen Mexianna was at least gracious enough to acknowledge the victory, and even bowed her head to his daughter, who did likewise. "There is of course the second match." She snapped her fingers and a couple attendants came forward, one to clean and sharpen the Queen's sword and another to wipe the sweat from her brow and offer her a drink that he could only guess helped restore energy for she seemed more aware after finishing it.

"That's true," River had conceded meanwhile, and then turned fully to the dais. "Sweetie?"

"Coming, dear," the Doctor stated brightly, jumping up and taking his own sword from one of the guards. Rory's heart sunk down into his stomach. Oh, right, this.

Amy had his same bad feeling it seemed, for she snagged the Time Lord's arm before he could head down to the arena floor. "You sure about this?"

"Sure I am," he replied confidently. "You heard River, taught her everything she knows. The Silence were a bit gun-heavy." He said this with a familiar apologetic grimace, the one that always came to his face when speaking of their daughter's background to them. Continuing in a lighter tone, he added, "Anyway, I've been in loads of swordfights, got plenty of experience."

"Yeah, isn't that how I got a free hand?" Jack commented wryly, which made Rory's eyes widen and did not make him feel the least bit better about this.

"Details," the Doctor waved a dismissive hand, then shook Amy's off his arm and offered one last smile before heading down to the floor. He passed River on the way, who trailed a hand down his arm with a wide, smug smile and bright eyes, and then she joined them up on the dais, taking his place.

"Well, that was fun," she stated only slightly breathless, probably from the exertion.

"You were great," Amy told her, earning a pleased smile in her direction.

"Not so sure this will turn out well," Rory couldn't help muttering.

River did not seem to share his worry, but it was Kate's relaxed posture that had him curious. She noticed his raised eyebrow and couldn't stop a chuckle. "Sorry it's just, the Doctor, he's always advocated peace and tends to use his brain to solve things. Science leads," she explained, and he nodded to show she should continue. Amy was now interested as well, and listened in as the woman smirked. "But when my father knew him, he wasn't always the staunchest pacifist."

The Doctor now stood where River had at the start of the next match, yet the Chief Advisor interrupted before he could say anything. "This is an outrage, a male cannot challenge the Queen!"

"You said River got to pick any challenger she wanted, Erinnae, you didn't specify a gender," the Time Lord pointed out smoothly. "Now then, to Her Imperial Majesty Mexianna XIV, I issue this Challenge of Claim over the Doctor, myself. Do you accept?"

A slow smile spread over Jack's face. "He gets to fight for his own freedom."

"Yes," River confirmed with a nod.

"If he wins, he's not property," Amy said, just as delighted as the Captain.

"Yes."

"And that would set precedent for all men, all people even," Kate realized. "That's brilliant."

"That's still an if," Rory still had misgivings. His daughter just offered him a smile and a pat on the hand.

The Queen had been regarding the Time Lord with a pensive expression for some time, and finally seemed to make up her mind. "I do accept, male Doctor." The duelers had both moved into ready stances at this point, but she did not immediately strike like before. Instead, she took a measured step and swing, which the Doctor easily parried. Stepping back again, she said, "Interesting. I have never fought a male before."

"I have never fought an Artemian before. New experience all around, then," the Doctor replied, and with something of an eager grin beckoned her forward with his free hand.

She began the attack again in earnest, and this match quickly took on a different kind of ferocity. The Time Lord had both a height advantage and a sturdier frame, which often sent the Queen backward as she regained her footing. She made quite a few low sweeps aimed at his feet and legs that he would hurriedly have to defend as she was closer to the ground. Being a bit lighter on the balls of her feet aided her as well, allowing her to make leaps just out of reach of one of his strikes or in close to attempt one of her own.

The clang of the blades became almost deafening as they roamed back and forth across the room and around each other. Even Rory was having trouble keeping track of each move, which was certainly saying something for the Last Centurion. He had to wonder why the alien so often relied on words and used this skill so sparingly and the words _Time War_ flashed through his mind—

"She surrenders! Your Majesty, surrender!" Erinnae screamed, for the Doctor had gotten behind a frozen Queen Mexianna now with the edge of his blade pressed against her throat. His breathing was harsh and his eyes steely like that dreadful moment in Mercy. Amy's hand clenched tight around his as she sucked in a breath.

"No," the Time Lord's voice had a gravelly quality to it with just that one word. He swallowed once and lowered his sword, stepping back and allowing her to escape the hold of his presence around her. The Queen turned slowly on the spot to face him with wide eyes, and the sword at her side trembled. "It's your choice, Mexianna."

But the Queen shook her head, asking softly, "Any male would fight me this way, would they not?"

"If it's their freedom on the line? Any living thing would and should."

Her sword was dropped to the arena floor. "Then I surrender."

"Winner," Erinnae's voice seemed stilted as she quaked with fury and maybe even fear. "The male Doctor."

"Just 'the Doctor' if you don't mind, Erinnae," their friend said, the smile not quite reaching his eyes as he barely glanced at her before letting his own sword fall. Rory was out of his seat only a split second after Amy, who ran down and enveloped him in a tight embrace. "I'm sorry. You're right, I'm not ok," the Time Lord murmured into her hair.

"No, but you will be."

Rory silently stepped into the hug, the two of them each freeing an arm to wrap around him without even looking.

"I think you need to give us a moment alone," River's voice only came a few feet to the side, clearly directed at the Artemians. In less than a minute the alien women had slipped out of the room. Kate and Jack sat quietly on the dais, eyes respectfully averted as the Ponds did what they did best.

Regardless of the absurdity of any particular adventure, sometimes the Doctor just needed that little bit of help to pull himself back together.

**So yeah! Didn't mean to go all serious on you guys there, but I felt it best to address that despite the mostly humorous tone of this fic, what almost happened to our favorite Time Lord was extremely very not good, and that's got to have some impact. Also I would've paid any amount of money for a scene where it was finally confirmed to Amy that the Doctor had been a parent. You know it would've been heart-wrenchingly amazing.**

**Anyway, this is just about wrapped up. I'm thinking a short, lighter-toned epilogue-y chapter of sorts to tie up the remaining loose ends and that's it. Hopefully that'll be out soon, and until then I'd love to hear thoughts on how this chapter went. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry. I really am terribly sorry for the wait. Remember that time I said I'd get this story done in a weekend? Yeah, I'm just going to stop prescribing unrealistic deadlines to myself. Perfectly alright for you all to be annoyed with me. However, I promised an epilogue and I will deliver on that. Here's hoping it's an enjoyable one, and a good end to this little random adventure. Enjoy!**

**Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock**

**Chapter Four**

Amy, to be perfectly honest, was more than a little worried. Very rarely was her Raggedy Man like this. She used to think first as a little girl and then as a young woman first starting out on her travels that the Doctor was never ever afraid, not of anything. But she'd come to learn that wasn't true, and that to even think so was terribly unfair to them both, for then he tried all the harder to let her believe such a ridiculous lie.

But it worried her that right here, right now he was doing the opposite in front of a not that small group of people. Sure, they were all people he knew and was relatively comfortable with, but while he was always there with a hug or comforting word when they needed it, it had taken Amy and Rory a good year or so before he was willing to let them do the same. This whole business with the Artemins must have shaken him badly.

It wasn't as though she could blame him; he likely knew far better than she what exactly would have happened to him if the Queen hadn't agreed to wait, if they hadn't been able to get in touch with River, if Chief Advisor Erinnae hadn't told them about the Challenge of Claim, if either River or the Doctor had lost…so many places where things could have gone wrong. Amy's arms tightened around the Time Lord protectively just thinking about it, and she felt Rory shift around a bit to provide the alien a bit more privacy as he took a couple deep breaths and held onto her tighter too in response.

Still, they were able to be doing this because nothing had gone wrong, and so she told him that. "Hey, it's alright, you're safe. No one's taking you to their planet or using you or anything. You're free."

But the Doctor shook his head, or at least she felt him do so, and murmured back, "No, but—did I go too far? Please, Pond, I know you'll tell me."

She thought back to that image of him poised and ready with the sword at the alien monarch's neck, how with just one practiced stroke—and she had to wonder how practiced it would be—Mexianna XIV would have been no more. A quick, easy solution. So many of their adventures could have ended in quick easy solutions. But they hadn't, and she knew then that he was far more practiced in what he had done instead, appealing to the Artemin's morals, convincing her to find the way out.

But of course he was choosing to fret over what he almost did, rather than what almost happened to him.

"No," she assured, "You were fine. Really," she added when he didn't relax. "Anyway, you would've known if I didn't think so." Sure, she had gasped, but that was hardly a harsh admonishment.

"Funny enough, I think it'd be safer if you waved around a sword instead of a gun," Rory, having supplied silent support, finally broke the tension. "Ow," her husband grunted as she elbowed him with one arm, and the Doctor snickered.

"Very true, Rory the Roman, very true," the Time Lord stepped back, affording them a grateful smile. "And thank you for being truthful, Amy. Only one of the many reasons I need you humans: to be there to stop me."

She remembered that nonexistent reality where her daughter was married, when the Doctor hadn't been there to stop her, and her smile was slightly strained as she replied, "You show us how."

He shook his head, clearly finding some dispute with that, but the smile was still on his face even as he looked over their heads at something, or someone. "Suppose this isn't much of a celebration."

"I've been to a fair few livelier ones," River responded, and the Ponds half-turned and stepped apart to allow her to come in between them. She stopped there and finished, "but this one suits me just fine."

"You were brilliant," Rory praised again, glancing at the Doctor as he added, "you both were, really. Just take the compliment," he warned before the Time Lord could protest.

"Yeah, I think I judged you too soon, Raggedy Man," Amy remarked with a teasing grin, "Here I thought you didn't have any moves, after what you did at my wedding and all." Then again, there were times when he'd seemed lighter than air even as he spun and flailed about everywhere; he'd taken her hand to lead her out to see the oldest cliff-face in the universe and she'd felt like a lady being escorted. Just how much of his awkward, jerky movements were simply his own choice?

River only made her question it that much more when she smirked and said, "Well then you haven't really seen him dance, have you, mother?"

"The Drunk Giraffe is a real dance," the Doctor shot back, pointing a finger at her.

"On what planet?" Rory asked, which made both Amy and River laugh and the alien scowl for about half a second before he chuckled.

They heard the footfalls of Jack's boots before he and Kate both joined them. "I'm guessing it's safe now?" The Captain checked.

"Yes, yes, all good, Jack," the Time Lord nodded.

"I do want to thank you for your help, Doctor," the UNIT director spoke up. "I can't imagine this was easy."

"Ah well, all in the job description, eh Kate?" He replied with a short little salute, to which she just shook her head with a smile.

"Oh, so it's fine to give Kate one, but God forbid I salute you," Jack mock-grumbled.

The Doctor, however, seemed to take it seriously. "Oh, I'm not so hung up about it, now, Jack. You can salute me if you like."

"Good to know," the other man responded. "Still hung up on flirting, or can I do that to you, too? Or _with_ you would be better."

Their friend held up a finger, mouth working for a minute before he finally decided, "That you might have to phone in to my wife."

"Oh, don't mind me," River commented. She'd walked a few paces away to collect both the Doctor's and her swords, and returned now with both.

Jack's grin was something more of a leer as the Doctor fidgeted under his gaze. The immortal man turned to their daughter, however, and stated, "Professor Song, I think we are going to become fast friends."

"Are we? Careful, Sweetie, best arm yourself," River teased, passing the Time Lord his sword. There was a certain shine to her eyes as he took it, but then the door to the arena slid back open and a guard stepped through.

"I am to escort you to the throne room. Her Imperial Majesty wishes to see you before your departure."

"How polite of her," River's tone was flat.

"The TARDIS is in the throne room anyway, River," the Doctor pointed out, "we would've had to go through there."

"Perhaps it'd be best to put in the appearance and be off?" Kate suggested reasonably.

"Yep," Rory agreed succinctly, about as thrilled as their daughter. Amy wasn't faring much better; sure, she hoped now that the alien monarch would go on to improve her planet or Sisterhood or whatever, but she'd rather hear about it later than have to see the woman again, and so soon.

Still, they all followed the guard dutifully to the throne room, where Mexianna XIV stood before the TARDIS doors. The alien Queen took a deep breath and stepped toward them. "On behalf of all of Artemin, I do wish to apologize," she began, looking contrite and more than a bit uncomfortable at having to admit to this fault.

"As long as you maintain peaceful relations toward the Earth, consider it accepted," Kate replied rather generously. "I cannot speak for the Doctor, however," she moved to the side a bit to allow the Time Lord to come forward.

"Ah, well," he began, wringing his hands together. He swiveled his head from left to right, glancing over each shoulder at them. "Look, could you all just- just a minute—" His hands made an approximation of a shooing motion. River gave a huff, but took the lead in moving over to the side of the room, approaching Erinnae and beginning a discussion about Artemin administration. The others walked away reluctantly as well, but giving a pointed nod to Rory, Amy hung back just enough to remain within earshot of the two aliens. She was just looking out for her friend, and anyway this was probably going to be his lecture-the-misguided-being-about-how-they-were-doing-things-the-wrong-way speech, and she knew those inside and out.

"Mexianna," he sighed, looking down at her and shaking his head just slightly. The standard beginning, essentially. "It is hard, I know, to change things, to change a whole society. It can seem impossible. And you've got the idea, you know things aren't right and need changing." Building up a sense of sympathy and even a little approval, a sort of encouragement so that it wouldn't be so devastating when he knocked down the whole foundation of their argument. "But this wasn't the way to do it." And there it was.

"Yes, I- I see that now," the Queen admitted quietly, eyes on the carpeting rather than his face. Most others were this way at this point; it took a truly stubborn person to withstand it this far.

"There's no need to force anyone to help you, you know," he told her, a gentle helping hand just when they needed it to escape the embarrassment and despair of realizing their own folly. "The universe is big and a little scary sometimes, but there are whole hosts of people willing and able to offer assistance, and certainly for a problem like yours. Like I said before, Mexianna, just find someone and ask." Giving them hope and supplying a solution, all while subtly implying he'd been right the whole time. "I'm sure you can do it." And the final little push they needed to look up at him and share a little smile.

As amusing to Amy as it was that she could map out the entire exchange from start to finish, the thing that kept it on the right side of cheesy every time was that he always completely meant every word.

The Queen's smile trembled a little though, as she said, "I was never born to be Queen, you understand. I am the fourteenth, but Mexianna, too, is a title to me. My real name is—"

"Best to save that for the man you'll be asking," he cut her off. "A name's a special thing. It held quite an awful lot of significance to the Time Lords."

A hint of that smirk came to the alien monarch's face as she quirked an eyebrow. "So I've read."

His jaw dropped, though no sound came out as he just looked at her, but then it snapped shut as he shook his head with a chagrined expression. "You," he scolded, but his features softened again as he told her, "Tell it to the one that deserves to hear it."

She nodded seriously now. "I will."

"Right then," he clapped his hands together and Amy, who had become a bit tense, was quick to rejoin him, the others not far behind. "We'll be off. Your Majesty," he gave another sweeping bow, then seemed to remember the sword still in his grasp, for he offered it hilt first to her as he straightened up. "River, I believe these belong to them."

Before their daughter could present her own blade, however, Queen Mexianna raised a hand. "Keep them. You fought valiantly and have more than earned a gift from my Sisterhood. I would be honored if you would accept."

The Doctor looked to River once, who nodded, and his face split into a grin. "Well alright, then! I love presents!" He flipped the sword in the air to catch it by the hilt and then brought it to the side. Amy had winced and ducked in anticipation of a fumble, and now only shook her head at the show-off. "A gift from the Sisterhood of the Artemian Empire to a Time Lord, how about that?"

"Did the Corsair not get to keep a sword?" Rory guessed.

"No she did not, Rory. Ha-ha!" The Doctor replied gleefully. River seemed pleased with her gift as well as she ran a hand along the flat of the blade and then watched her husband with a fond smile, eyes shining again.

"Well, if that's all settled, I guess I'll head to the teleport room," Jack shrugged, "unless the lovely ladies of Artemin would let me ride the shuttle with Kate?"

"Not if that means I'm forced to make some kind of claim over you, Captain," the director cautioned, probably a wise move from the way the immortal man was grinning at her.

"You say that like you don't want me to be your male."

"You say that like you do."

"Well, I was just going to offer you both a lift," the Time Lord broke in with a puzzled expression. "But if you want to ride the shuttle, I guess—"

"Alright, all aboard the TARDIS!" Jack cut him off with a delighted smile, and Amy couldn't help laughing at the man's sheer joy. It was nice to know she and Rory weren't the only ones who enjoyed traveling in the police box so much.

"I have heard some stories," Kate admitted sounding just a little giddy, and the Doctor grinned like he did any time there was a new-comer.

"Well get ready for those to be blown away, cause she's redecorated an awful lot since your father was on board," he swept his arm to the side and Queen Mexianna XIV took the cue to move aside. He inclined his head once to her in acknowledgement before raising his free hand and snapping his fingers.

It was just as magical as the first time as they were bathed in the almost golden light of the interior, and all the more so as both Kate and Jack gaped in wonder.

"Yours is bigger than his," the Captain remarked.

"Thought you'd say that," the Time Lord quipped, the other man still too stunned to return with one of his own.

"My word," Kate breathed, "how does it all even work?"

"Don't even try," Jack advised.

"Good call," Amy offered sagely, and they looked toward her. She placed a hand on her hip. "You're not telling me you just want to look at it. Come on," she jerked her thumb, and she and Rory led the way in, the Captain and the Director stumbling after.

"I must say I cannot blame you for not wishing to remain on my planet," the alien monarch said to the Doctor, though her eyes were on the TARDIS. "Such a craft as this…you would tire of Artemin quickly."

"That's not to say I might not stop by for a visit, should things turn out well," he told her, and she afforded him a final smile before stepping back.

"Then I look forward to it. Farewell, Doctor. And my apologies—and sincerest respect—Professor River."

Their daughter nodded to the alien once, choosing not to say anything. The Artemin Queen would never know how lucky she was Amy didn't call _Dr._ River Song.

"Your Imperial Majesty, we must prepare for departure," Erinnae spoke up, not doing much in the way of acknowledging them, and so the Queen sighed and went to her Advisor.

At the same time, Jack, who had gone around her and up the stairs, called, "Hey Doc, get a move on. I want to see you use the typewriter! And what do you need a bugle for?" He was laughing as he circled around the console, taking in everything new.

"Is this ketchup?" Kate's voice asked from around the time rotor.

"Humans," the Doctor said in the same tone as a parent might say, "Kids." It didn't make Amy as sad as she was expecting to know now he'd most certainly said both in his long life, particularly when he took up River's free hand and kissed the back. "Always a handful, aren't they?"

"Maybe," the archeologist acknowledged with a smile that turned to a grin as she met his eyes. "But at least this is shaping up to be more of a party." Neither made the first move; instead, they let go of their hands and turned as one to face the other, River laying her palm against his cheek while his hand cupped the back of her head, fingers threading through her curls as their lips met somewhere in the middle.

Amy figured they deserved a victory kiss and so waited a minute before speaking up. "Now who's getting to be a handful?" They only paused long enough so that River could lean around his shoulder and simply throw her a wink before resuming.

"Wait, are they kissing?" Jack demanded, hurtling around the console to come see. "Wow," the Captain managed. "That's just- wow."

"Is it really that surprising?" Rory looked at the man curiously. Sure, it had been a little weird to them at first when meeting River, but they'd gotten used to it over the years.

"Kind of, yeah. Not that he didn't have it in him, but just- right in the open like that. Not to mention the married part, I still feel bit thrown for a loop on that," the immortal man admitted.

"Well, clearly he's just learned from our excellent example, Mr. Pond," Amy remarked to her husband, placing a hand on either of his shoulders. Rory readily returned her kiss, hands going to the small of her back.

"Oh, you're kidding," Amy heard the Captain mutter. "How am I the odd one out here? Hey, Kate—"

"Absolutely not. Er, sorry to interrupt," the Director added to the group at large, "but I'm being paged."

"Ah, well then, best to get you back to the Tower!" The Doctor disentangled himself, hurrying up to the console and depositing his newly acquired sword in the pilot's chair as he went to work. Amy was amazed he'd managed to hold onto it for so long. River shut the doors and joined them up on the main platform.

"Hang onto something," she advised her fellow blonde, whose eyes widened as she clearly recalled some piece of advice from her father and gripped the railing. They went spinning off to their destination, landing only a short time later.

"Well, here we are, the Tower of London, now moonlighting as UNIT headquarters!" The Time Lord announced, bounding down to the door and holding it open for Kate. The other woman, who had come out of the trip only slightly rattled, headed down, stopping before the alien.

"Thank you again, Doctor, for everything."

"Couldn't have done it without you, Stewart." The woman smiled and looked up at River once, who nodded. Kate then leaned up on her toes and pecked him on the cheek, stepping out of the doors and into her office.

"Of course she gives you one," Jack grumbled even as he was grinning. "Big changes since the last time, I'll say. I want to travel on _this_ TARDIS," he pointed at the floor with both hands.

The Doctor merely shut the door and skipped back up to the console. "Oh, but I think Cardiff's due for a Weevil invasion any day now, Jack, best to get you back to Torchwood."

"Come on, you're making that up!" The protest was good-natured and the Captain went of his own volition to the doors when they again landed. "Had a lot of fun meeting you all," the immortal man commented as he turned to look at them one more time. "Till the next one, then." He saluted, which the Doctor returned with two fingers to his forehead, and left.

River was already returning them to the Vortex when Amy began, "So—"

But her question of where to next was cut off by the alien remarked, "Well, quite a day, that."

"I guess," Rory shrugged, nonplussed. It had only been some hours since they'd begun their lazy day in the TARDIS. Quite a lot had happened since then, but nothing more than they were used to.

"Probably best to just take a fresh stab at it in the morning, what do you think?" He continued, and that had Amy and Rory raising their eyebrows. Usually the Time Lord was the last to suggest turning in for the night.

"You won't see me complaining, I came here straight from a concert in the 47th century," River agreed. "Anyway, got to find a place to put these." She picked up her sword and studied it for a moment, "I don't suppose I could get away with claiming this is a replica if I stick it in my office."

"Don't think so," the Doctor acknowledged.

"It'll just have to stay here then," the curly-haired woman flashed him a smile before ascending the second set of stairs to the corridors. "Goodnight," she called over her shoulder, and then disappeared.

"Night," the Ponds replied in kind. This felt more than a little like a dismissal from the two Time Lords, and yet—maybe it wasn't. Maybe the Doctor wasn't quite up for another adventure just yet, after what almost transpired. Maybe he just needed a break.

So Amy shared a meaningful look with Rory before turning to their friend. "Alright, I think Rory and I could do with a rest anyway. How about we try hitting up a beach or something tomorrow, Doctor?"

"Could do," he noted absently, likely getting absorbed in the controls of his ship like he usually did when not wishing to talk.

Amy simply rolled her eyes and went over to give him one more hug. "Goodnight, Raggedy Man."

"Goodnight, Amelia," he smiled down at her briefly before returning his gaze to the TARDIS navigation panel.

Amy turned to Rory and shrugged, taking his hand and leading him up the stairs to the corridor containing their bedroom. There would be time to talk, but no need to push him before he was ready.

"At least River's staying the night, I guess," her husband commented. "Maybe we can all go somewhere together tomorrow."

She wouldn't make the connection until much later, and Rory would wake up and look at her groggily in the dark for laughing at nothing.

OoO

The Doctor waited until their footsteps faded away to nothing before looking up. He'd hated to give them the cold shoulder, knowing they only meant well, but there was really no need for them to see this. And no need to keep her waiting.

He wet his lips once and took up the sword that had been gifted to him. Certainly he was willing to come away from this adventure with this, rather than a forced visit to Artemin itself. He'd have to leave that for some other day. Had River not arrived when she did, he wouldn't have that choice. So it was a combination of that gratitude and just a bit of excitement that had him hurrying along down one of the TARDIS corridors, though he kept his footsteps light.

The Doctor was wary, too, as he eased open the door, but the room it contained was darkened. Another door off to the left was showing some light around the edges. He breathed a sigh of relief even as his shoulders slumped. He'd misjudged; River was in the bathroom, apparently getting ready for a well-deserved sleep after what was closer to two days for her. Sure he tended to mix up these sort of signals quite often, but he'd felt rather certain about this considering the _looks_ she'd kept giving him—

He shook his head to clear it of such thoughts, entering their bedroom proper and going over to his cluttered desk, dropping his prize on top of everything else unceremoniously. If he knew where everything was, that was more than organized in his book.

But when the Doctor turned, he found himself nose to tip with a sword. River's sword. His eyes darted to the bathroom to see nothing about that had changed. Clearly she'd just been hiding behind the bedroom door.

"What was the first thing you taught me about swordplay?" His wife's voice was soft and dangerously low, even as her eyes glinted with the sword in the little light they had.

He swallowed. "Don't let your guard down."

"And what did you just do?" She sounded far too pleased with herself, and even laughed as he tugged uncomfortably at his collar.

But really, that was just a cover as he slowly inched his other hand backward toward the desk, fingers never stumbling over some errant object but assuredly closing around the hilt. "Lure you into a false sense of security," he finally answered even as he swung it down and then up, knocking into her blade. She was fast enough to parry his next move, however, and they stood like this, matched, for some time.

River was breathing harshly through her nose, but she was far from angry. An exhilarated smile lit her face and her eyes were still shining like they had been each time he'd picked up a sword today.

"You know, if I wasn't such a trusting person I might think you were trying to kill me again," he remarked offhandedly. It was funny how easy it was to joke about now, but time and a full pardon tended to do that.

River, for her part, scoffed and replied, "A trusting person, you?" She knew him so well.

A smile stretched his lips as he admitted, "Well, perhaps I don't have to rely on trust." He lowered his sword slightly and continued, "I doubt you'd have gone through all that trouble to save me from the Artemins if that were really the case. Thank you, by the way."

But it seemed the archeologist wanted him to save the gratitude for later, for she went quickly on the offensive at his perceived weakness. "You never know," she countered in between the clangs of metal on metal. "Artemins are renowned for their swordsmanship. Maybe I just wanted to be able to say I bested the Queen and it had absolutely nothing to do with you."

"Oh really?" He jumped as she swung low, landing in not quite a crouch to block her next attack. The Doctor leaned his weight into it too, making her take a short hop back to avoid having her sword pushed aside, and now it was his turn to be more of an aggressor. "Well, I could choose to believe you, but then I'd have to forget that I know one very important thing."

"And what's that?"

He didn't speak at first, instead choosing to concentrate on each strike and swipe of the blades, circling them around several times before side-stepping and ending up behind her. Only this time it was his arm around a woman's waist that kept her in place rather than a sword extended across her throat, and he wasn't likely to let this woman escape quite as soon. At last, he answered her.

"How very much you love me," the Doctor growled in her ear, and he felt more than saw River's shiver.

Her blade was tucked in at her side as she spun on her toes to face him, and her eyes wide yet just a bit dark as she breathed, "I don't think you know how much I love you with a sword."

"On the contrary, dear," he tucked a stray curl behind her ear and then smirked. "Why do you think I insisted on so much practice?"

He spun her out of his arms, readied his stance, and they began again.

OoO

In the morning, all four of the TARDIS' inhabitants stepped out together into the bright Artemian sunshines—as there were two stars providing the planet heat—to attend the introduction of Her Royal Highness, Princess Meya I. The little baby girl was a delight to all the citizens that had come to the Royal Ceremony, and though the women far outnumbered the men present, she cooed alike to both. Queen Mexianna XIV, flushed pink with a joyful glow, cradled the infant in her arms as her chosen and accepted bonded, His Excellency Sir Ertac, stood by with a proud smile.

More than a start, then.

The group then reentered the ship so the Doctor could try landing at the beach again. River managed it four attempts later on her first go, and it wasn't any wonder that it took them about an hour to coax the sulking Time Lord actually into the water. But it was more than worth it when they finally did.

**Ok, so there we finally have the end! I hope you all enjoyed, and I will say again I was completely taken aback by the interest in this story. Had I known that would be the case, I might have planned for something longer…but I like it how it is.**

**If you're asking why the Doctor with a sword is such a turn-on for River, I think she likes when he acknowledges he's not a saint and can be just as bad as her. Plus, to River, sword-fighting is probably really fun.**

**Anyway, I'd love to hear any thoughts on how I did, thanks so much for reading and all your feedback, and please review!**


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